Prepping for the Sanctuary for Compline last Friday (October 2023)

Hi beautiful souls,

Hope you had a lovely weekend. A couple of things warmed up my day - and inspired this post. Top on my list is Arsenal beating Man City...allow that to sink in. I have to admit that I was a little scared that Saka's absence would destabilize that Nketiah, Martinelli, Odegard formation but Martinelli did his thing and finally, in Arteta's words, 'we beat the best team in the world'. We are currently No. 2 on the League and I couldn’t be happier.

Catching the match in my apartment - Arsenal did their thing (October 2023)

I am also excited about the Forum Hour series my church is doing this October. Given it is officially commercial spooky month here in the US, my church is jumping on the bandwagon and doing Biblical Stories of Terror aka stories in the Bible that are terrifying. I have hinted about my church on my Blackberry Pie post and when giving my thoughts on recommendations by the national church's mental health taskforce. Today, I will talk a little more about it by sharing my fav events, before I share that Biblical Story of Terror we looked at this morning.

When I volunteer as a wedding hostess, I wear a Cassock (the long black vestment)

I attend, and serve in, a church that was founded in 1744 - and built in 1820. Its beauty, contemplative practice and history, make it a prominent tourist and educational venue here in the city. I will work on more posts that will showcase all the things that make it tick, but today, I want to share my top three events - First Friday Compline, Saturday Night Mass, and Sunday Forum Hour.

Sanctuary set up for the instrumental group that played before the Compline prayers last Friday (October 2023)

1. First Friday Compline

Lancaster, the city I currently live and go to school in, hosts a monthly event called First Friday. On this day, stores, restaurants, galleries and event spaces stay open until late…everyone comes to the city on First Friday evenings to partake from food trucks, enjoy outdoor music at the Square or attend special events that various businesses curate specifically for this monthly event. 

Around 9pm last Friday, Compline led by the choir (October 2023)

Since my church is in the Downtown area, it participates in First Friday by hosting Compline. The word compline comes from the Latin word Completorium which in simple terms refers to prayers offered at the end of the day. The compline service is a contemplative discipline of quietness and reflection mostly practiced by monks and nuns, and follows a certain order - confession, a Psalm, Scripture or Hymn, Versicles (call and response type), The Lord's Prayer, Prayers, Time of Silence/Free intercession/Thanksgiving.

Copy of the July 2023 Compline Bulletin, loved every line of this prayer by Philips Brooks, Rector of Boston's Trinity in the 1800s (take a peep of the church here)

All the Friday Complines at church follow that order.  We usually light up candles, have an oud, reflections and chants led by the choir. This event starts at 9pm - which gives people enough time to have dinner, go through the various art exhibitions and other offerings in city, before winding down their day in contemplative prayer.

Yes, I love this event so much, I have one of the posters 'hanging' in one of my closets (July 2023)

2. Saturday Night Mass

While Compline might be challenging to people who find the practice of meditation and contemplation tricky, Saturday Night Mass is where the 'show' is. This event is hosted at 5pm on the second/third Saturday. It is a normal mass with a twist; instead of having ‘normal hymns', we have music from 'famous' musicians curated by local bands. 

Mini-poster of previous Saturday Night Mass events

My best was the John Denver one...I have his vinyl in my apartment, which I play every time I want to reminisce on road trips with my dad. Unfortunately, one of my best songs, Leaving on a Jet Plane, did not make it on the 'hymn list'.

Poster of the John Denver Saturday Night Mass 'on the street' - This one ended up in my apartment (July 2023)

 

The Priests wear jeans or something laid back and a collar during Saturday Night Mass...Took a pic of my 'laid back look' in the Sacristy - the place where communion is prepped and the priests get ready for Mass (July 2023)

Was serving on that day - Delivering bulletins for the Mass (July 2023)

The offering song was John Denver's Sunshine on My Shoulders (July 2023)

End of Mass Song was Take Me Home, Country Road (July 2023)

3. Forum Hour

Unlike the first two, this is a weekly event that happens during the hour between the end of the morning Mass and beginning of the mid morning one. By now you have a sense that my church is historical old school, not just in years but also in its offerings. Forum Hour sticks with that theme and past series have involved digging into writings by desert mothers and other early century folks to deep diving into Women in Bible and exploring back in the day forms of Prayer.

Took this after setting the Chapel for Forum Hour this Summer (July 2023)

For the next four weeks, we are looking at Biblical Stories of Terror. We started off with the story of Abraham and the time he was about to sacrifice his son. 

For those of you who aren’t into the Bible, here is a watered down summary. Imagine your dad, before you were born. He is almost clocking 100 (because people in the Bible didn’t die from lifestyle disease like we do) and he is childless. He believes in God, and has been in talks with him over the years. One day, God slides into his DM via an angel to tell him that he will finally have kids. Your mum, who isn’t your mum yet, laughs and leaves a 'you got jokes' meme on what she thinks is a heaven sent geriatric pregnancy joke. 

Fast forward and your dad gets two sons, one with the housekeeper and you - with your mum (I am giving highlights only). He then sends your step-bro to the desert (to die) and tries to sacrifice you...I vowed to stay away from True Crime Shows but this morning's discussions were True Crime on Steroids…Christians say your dad's attempt on your life was a test of his faith, but can we step back and  talk about all the trauma you and your stepbro went through because of those incidents...and every time you hear that he is still considered the Father of three religions - Christianity, Islam and and Judaism. I am so excited that we get four weeks of these types of discussion, I had to blog about it.

Parish House where the NA meetings happen

Bonus Event - Narcotics Anonymous

I want to throw in an extra event, which is not really an event that the church hosts but a ministry. My church provides space in the Parish House (building next to the main sanctuary) for two weekly Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Every Tuesday and Thursday, around 150 people (each of the days) convene at our Parish House for the Narcotics Anonymous meeting. To maintain the privacy of what is discussed, I will just say that it is such an empowering space and I am grateful that I get to be there as a 'community liaison' for the church. 

The front entrance of the church and bell tower

My best part of the meeting is towards the end when the leaders call out one month, and everyone who has been sober for a month stands and the group cheers them on, then they call out 2 months, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year and so on and people stand and get applauses and congratulatory handshakes and hugs from their peers.

How I take breaks when I am serving in the main Sanctuary -  mirror selfies

The first time I walked through the doors of this 279 year old church, I was still in grief. I had not been in church for almost four months. I wanted somewhere quiet, away from all the jumping and shouting that happens during praise and worship in some churches. I did not have the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual strength for that. I am glad that this historic church was still standing when I needed a slow-brew completive space to figure what was happening internally. Years later, I am honored that through serving, I get the chance to help create moments for others who are 'heavily laden' and looking for a quiet spot to be fed just like I was...just like I continue to be fed, as I continue to ease the load from my grief.

Sending love and light,

Sitawa 

Earlier today - in my apartment aka the penthouse, trying unsuccessfully to read for my Mid-Terms

It is mid-term exam week and I wish I could say that that blog post with highlights of the talks I was part of during the UN General Assembly week in New York is not up because I am busy reading for my exams...but that is not the case. I have been pre-occupied with the possibility that I might have to drop-out of school...again.

The first time I dropped out was in 2005 because of ill-health (this was the onset of my epilepsy and manic depressive diagnoses). When I decided to take a Sabbatical and restart my Higher Ed journey, I was excited to get back to school after almost two decades. It has not been a smooth journey but the fact that PhD school was around the corner was enough inspiration for me to hold on...according to the countdown on the side, only 6 months and 28 days stand between me and graduation...or so I thought.

The seeds of my doubt were planted a couple of days ago when we got emails from school informing us that registration for Winter classes has begun. I decided to look at the courses being offered to see if there is anything that can help me reduce my Spring workload (the plan was to spend Spring cleaning out and preparing for relocation to where I get accepted for my PhD). I found a class I liked and was about to register for it when I saw that my account was on hold. 

Guilty as charged - Image from Dots

A little investigation took me to my tuition accounts page and I almost fell out of my chair when I saw how much I apparently owed the school. I am a planner...I lie, I am an over-planner. If you are into DiSC and Myers Briggs type tests, I am a high C on the DiSC test; and one thing this high C had done was mapping out a tuition schedule until graduation. 

When I started this semester, I knew the only tuition I needed to work on was for next Spring (my last semester). The figure quoted as debt (over $10k) is something I unfortunately cannot raise in the months between now and the start of the Spring semester (Higher Ed in the U.S is beyond expensive).

I went to the Student Accounts office to figure out what was happening and learnt that I had been recategorized...Apparently I had been 'in the wrong category' since I started at this school and that is why I was paying what I was paying. With this new category, I have to pay somewhere between double to triple the category I was in before. After a candid conversation with the director, they said they will talk to some 'relevant departments'. I got an email informing me that nothing can be done to take me back to the category I was in.

I cannot afford this new rate and if by some miraculous way I am able to raise enough to pay what they claim I owe, I still will not afford what would be expected for the next semester based on this new category. 

This whole thing has been disturbing me for a couple of days now.

I have tried to distract myself by studying for my mid-terms but my brain is not about that life right now. The only thing that managed to derail my thoughts was an email PASSHE sent to presenters informing them (us) that profiles and agendas had been uploaded to the Summit's website. 

As I read through the initial abstract I had sent with my proposal, I could not help but spot the irony of the topic I will be speaking on - Institutional Betrayal and the dangers of mislabeling/miscategorization - and what I am currently going through.

That irony inspired this post....and if I am allowed to use the language I used on my proposal, I would say that I feel betrayed. Don't get me wrong, I understand the categories but my thing is why would they start me on one rate and then switch it up when I am about to finish.

To be honest, as I write this, I feel angry...and somewhat defeated...I had an 'unpleasant' experience in the first school I went to; that experience coupled with everything COVID and loss in the family nearly wiped me out. I decided to keep my eye 'on the prize', so I got into this new school and other than collapsing in school over the Summer, all factors considered...it has been going well...so well, I was literally tasting PhD school life...but now I am wondering if this school thing is even worth it anymore. 

Is this the end of my academic journey? 

Is my Sabbatical over? 

Is it time to get back to fulltime advocacy?

Maybe my attitude and thoughts will be different tomorrow but right now, everything about this situation is not sitting well with me,

Maybe I will wake up, put on my advocacy hat and write a petition type letter to the Students Accounts office asking them to let me finish at my initial tuition rate,

Maybe I will lobby the handful of professors whose classes I got As in to speak to the school on my behalf,

...or maybe I will delete my graduation countdown, become an autodidact and teach myself how to be a published scientific researcher (which is my end game...this is why I have been holding on despite everything).

I will let you know what I decide, for now, I will log off, close my books and do some stress relieving activities before I flare up a seizure or one of my 'infamous bouts of depression'. 

Sending love and light, 

Sitawa