Sitawa Ignited: Relapse

Sitawa Wafula, blogger living with epilepsy and bipolar, pursuing academic dreams abroad & embracing the abundant life

Welcome Fall - at Penn Square, Downtown Lancaster

I love the Fall season,

I love the cool weather and rain that accompanies it,

I love sipping on warm apple cider drinks and trying out baking recipes as an excuse to add heat to my apartment,

I love seeing the different shades of orange and mustard that we layer up with as we try to be in sync with the leaves.

By now you know that the school pond is one of my fav chill-out spots (most of my pics are usually from the other side)

Good evening beautiful people,

How beautiful is it outside - Fall is hands down my BEST season of the year. I was planning on sharing a couple of pictures from my photo gallery to showcase the lovely foliage at my school, Downtown Lancaster and my church...but ended up with a mini- sermon.

Loving the 'carpet' - Penn Square, Downtown Lancaster

This past October, the weekly forum hour discussion at church jumped on the 'Halloween bandwagon' by highlighting 'scary' stories in the Bible in a series dubbed 'texts of terror'. On the second Sunday, we discussed a dude called Jephthah - not to be confused with Japheth, Noah's son who alongside his brothers Ham and Shem are known for their role in 'the drunk naked father scene' of Noah's story (no Hollywood writing room can make up stories like those in the Bible).

'Oh God of all Creation'...just look at that amazing color mix - Scenes from school

The focus of our forum hour discussion was on how Jephthah asked God to help him win a battle and in return he would give God the first thing that came out of his house when he got home from the fight.

First of all, if you live with humans in your house, why would you make such a promise?

Another angle of the school pond - can you see the transition from the green(grass) to the lime/yellow/orange (leaves) then the blue spread (sky) - always takes me out

Secondly, if you are a soldier coming home from battle, chances are, your loved ones will be the first ones to come out to greet you. I am not saying anything but if you read between the lines, this Jephthah dude sounds like a 'true crime show candidate'.

Anyway, his daughter was the first one to come out to greet him...to be clear, we are not really told if he sacrificed her but we are led to believe that something happened...so yes, this story totally deserved to be in the texts of terror series.

Loved this fountain 'burning bush' play (too much Bible?) - Scenes from school

Since I had never heard of this Jephthah dude before the discussion, I decided to read a little more about him in the Book of Judges where he is highlighted. As I read through, I became curious as to why he was considered a judge...in my books, he ought to be judged. As it is with many Bible stories, the best way to get clarity is to go through the pre-text...and that is how I started studying the whole Book of Judges.

I am getting MAJESTIC vibes - More Scenes from School

To my surprise, this book is not about judges and lawyer types...it is more about people falling, and those falls setting the precedent for oppression, which is followed by crying out to God, God sending a leader (a judge) to the rescue…the people then experiencing beautiful Sunny days before they rinse and repeat aka fall again. The judges are more of leaders/helpers/warriors, and some theologians call this book ‘the book of cycles’ because it more about this pattern being repeated over and over in the 21 chapters that make the book.

Had to get in the frame - Other side of pond in school

I am currently in Chapter 10 (and there have been out of this world events in all these other chapters) and will be re-reading Jephthah’s story tomorrow (doing a chapter a day). Initially I was like -'why can’t you all learn from your past?’, ‘Why are we reading about your falls over and over and over again'...but as I continued reading, I started to see myself in these people.

Love that color - Downtown Lancaster

Just because the things I repeat over and over are different, does not mean I am any different. I, too, have done some things over and over again, that anyone looking from the outside in would wonder, 'why can’t you all learn from your past?'...'why are we reading about your falls over and over and over again'...I bet Don's (my therapist) inner voice says these words silently.

Love it when it rains - Downtown Lancaster

Lord knows that I have vowed to never ever ever go back to some things or people, especially after a season of shedding some premium tears. But when the pain died down, my two hands held the phone as I typed messages back and forth with them, my two legs took me back to meet them...clearly who am I to judge these people?

You have seen the inside of our church, this is what the outside looks like - can we talk about the red leaves

Secretly I think this is why this book is called the Book of Judges. We might come in thinking we will meet judges, then learn that the people called judges were leaders/helpers but we, the readers, are the judges, because we judge the people in the vicious cycles...and that should be cause enough for us to step back and look at our own lives...I am just saying. (This is one of the reasons I love studying the Bible - gold mine).

More scenes from church - love 'the mess'

The bigger question is, where do we go from here?

Clearly, at different points of this journey called life, we get stuck in this hamster wheel of falling, crying, getting rescued, 'being healed' and falling again. In my getting back to therapy post I talked about relapsing and how we learnt in my Counseling strategies class that it is part of the healing process. Sometimes we 'fall' because we have not yet gotten enough tools and skills to keep ourselves in the next level or season of our journey...and there is nothing wrong with that...it is part of the growth and healing process.

My 'neck of the wood' - Downtown Lancaster

I am not saying that we should intentionally go towards the fire, but if we find ourselves next to the fire over and over again, we should not give up or let shame and guilt overtake us. Instead, let us gently investigate the why behind the fall, behind the cycles, behind not 'getting it'.

...my semicolon tattoo - a reminder that the sentence would have ended but it still goes on...keep going

And as we do that,

I pray that we give ourselves grace over and over again, just like God did with this people.

I pray that we use the Fall seasons of our lives to re-member ourselves with ourselves - and God.

I pray that we have the courage to cry out for help - to Him, to therapists, to our community.

I pray that we have the strength to release the things that are meant to fall out of our lives.

I pray that we give ourselves permission to feel worthy of experiencing the seasons ahead.

I pray that that the vocabulary of guilt and shame is replaced with accountability and action.

Most of all, I pray that we do not give up,

…that we allow ourselves to rest and try again tomorrow

...and if we fall (relapse), I pray that we remember that that is part of the journey.

WE'VE GOT THIS!!!

Sending love and light,

Sitawa

Freud's Psychoanalytic Couch - Preserved at the Freud Museum, London

Please note: If you or someone you know is struggling, get help by calling any of these free crisis/help lines

Butterflies.

Butterflies-in-my-Belly, if I am allowed to stretch the word.

That is what I am feeling now; like I have loads of butterflies in my belly.

Last week, I finally booked an appointment with the school Counselling Centre and I will have my first session tomorrow.

And all I feel is butterflies...butterflies-in-my-belly.

This feeling isn’t new.

This is how I feel every time I am a day away from getting back to therapy.

In the past I think the feeling was partly due to the anxiety of meeting a new therapist (have changed them a couple of times as I searched for a ‘good fit’) and partly due to the weight on shoulders. This time round, I requested for the same therapist I worked with in the Fall - so I think the butterflies are from the weight on my shoulders.

I have been measuring this weight aka doing some stock taking to see how things have changed since our last session . Back then, I was in a sticky situation and trying to juggle a lot. After a couple of sessions, I opted to remove some things from my plate and though it took time, things got better.

And it was all good until it wasn’t and I didn’t know it wasn’t until I ended up in hospital…and so here I am, a day before my therapy session, trying to calm these butterflies as I anticipate the process ahead.

Scenes from my Spring 2023 Semester - Reading material for my Counselling Strategies class

Beside stocktaking, I have also being going through my class notes (any other psychology students out there trying to psychoanalyze themselves). This past Spring semester I took Personality Theories and Counselling Strategies.

The Personality Theory class took us through various theorists from Freud/the Neo-Freudians and to the Humanistics and the Behaviorists (anyone know if there are African theorists?). We learnt everything from therapy a la Freud aka laying on a couch to things like Horney’s ideal vs real self image and Roger’s incongruency - and the role therapy plays in bridging the gap.

Roger was also a prominent figure in my Counselling Strategies class when we learnt about the four things that make therapeutic relationships work. In that class we also learnt that the progress of therapy sessions relies heavily on the person coming in (the client) and the stage of change they are in - Precontemplation, Contemplation, Planning, Action, Maintenance, (Relapse or) Termination.

Dr. AB, the Counselling Strategies Professor, did an amazing job outlining the healing process (which he likened to a lightening bolt. We go a couple of steps forward and a couple backwards and it is only in hindsight that progress is seen) and constantly reminded us that the client is an expert of their issues and the therapist an expert of the process.

I feel like I was in the action stage last Fall and based on the academically successful semester I had in the Spring (made it back to the Dean’s list), I can say that I might have gotten into the maintenance stage then somewhere along the way, gotten off the rails.

In therapy speak, this is relapsing.

Contrary to popular belief, relapsing is not just for people battling addictions, it is for everyone.

Despite this knowledge, I struggle with the word.

It has some sort of violence to it...and maybe that violence, as imaginary as it is, is what is making me anxious tonight. Is what makes me anxious every other night before I get back to therapy.

The beauty of it now, is that I know that the lightening bolt that is my healing journey cannot be what it is without the back steps.

I also know that my work is not to think about the process and the easiest way to get to the finish line but instead be open and ready to do the work that will help me move from one stage to another.

And if for whatever reason I move backwards, relapse, I also now know that that too is part of healing.

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