Earlier today - in my apartment aka the penthouse, trying unsuccessfully to read for my Mid-Terms

It is mid-term exam week and I wish I could say that that blog post with highlights of the talks I was part of during the UN General Assembly week in New York is not up because I am busy reading for my exams...but that is not the case. I have been pre-occupied with the possibility that I might have to drop-out of school...again.

The first time I dropped out was in 2005 because of ill-health (this was the onset of my epilepsy and manic depressive diagnoses). When I decided to take a Sabbatical and restart my Higher Ed journey, I was excited to get back to school after almost two decades. It has not been a smooth journey but the fact that PhD school was around the corner was enough inspiration for me to hold on...according to the countdown on the side, only 6 months and 28 days stand between me and graduation...or so I thought.

The seeds of my doubt were planted a couple of days ago when we got emails from school informing us that registration for Winter classes has begun. I decided to look at the courses being offered to see if there is anything that can help me reduce my Spring workload (the plan was to spend Spring cleaning out and preparing for relocation to where I get accepted for my PhD). I found a class I liked and was about to register for it when I saw that my account was on hold. 

Guilty as charged - Image from Dots

A little investigation took me to my tuition accounts page and I almost fell out of my chair when I saw how much I apparently owed the school. I am a planner...I lie, I am an over-planner. If you are into DiSC and Myers Briggs type tests, I am a high C on the DiSC test; and one thing this high C had done was mapping out a tuition schedule until graduation. 

When I started this semester, I knew the only tuition I needed to work on was for next Spring (my last semester). The figure quoted as debt (over $10k) is something I unfortunately cannot raise in the months between now and the start of the Spring semester (Higher Ed in the U.S is beyond expensive).

I went to the Student Accounts office to figure out what was happening and learnt that I had been recategorized...Apparently I had been 'in the wrong category' since I started at this school and that is why I was paying what I was paying. With this new category, I have to pay somewhere between double to triple the category I was in before. After a candid conversation with the director, they said they will talk to some 'relevant departments'. I got an email informing me that nothing can be done to take me back to the category I was in.

I cannot afford this new rate and if by some miraculous way I am able to raise enough to pay what they claim I owe, I still will not afford what would be expected for the next semester based on this new category. 

This whole thing has been disturbing me for a couple of days now.

I have tried to distract myself by studying for my mid-terms but my brain is not about that life right now. The only thing that managed to derail my thoughts was an email PASSHE sent to presenters informing them (us) that profiles and agendas had been uploaded to the Summit's website. 

As I read through the initial abstract I had sent with my proposal, I could not help but spot the irony of the topic I will be speaking on - Institutional Betrayal and the dangers of mislabeling/miscategorization - and what I am currently going through.

That irony inspired this post....and if I am allowed to use the language I used on my proposal, I would say that I feel betrayed. Don't get me wrong, I understand the categories but my thing is why would they start me on one rate and then switch it up when I am about to finish.

To be honest, as I write this, I feel angry...and somewhat defeated...I had an 'unpleasant' experience in the first school I went to; that experience coupled with everything COVID and loss in the family nearly wiped me out. I decided to keep my eye 'on the prize', so I got into this new school and other than collapsing in school over the Summer, all factors considered...it has been going well...so well, I was literally tasting PhD school life...but now I am wondering if this school thing is even worth it anymore. 

Is this the end of my academic journey? 

Is my Sabbatical over? 

Is it time to get back to fulltime advocacy?

Maybe my attitude and thoughts will be different tomorrow but right now, everything about this situation is not sitting well with me,

Maybe I will wake up, put on my advocacy hat and write a petition type letter to the Students Accounts office asking them to let me finish at my initial tuition rate,

Maybe I will lobby the handful of professors whose classes I got As in to speak to the school on my behalf,

...or maybe I will delete my graduation countdown, become an autodidact and teach myself how to be a published scientific researcher (which is my end game...this is why I have been holding on despite everything).

I will let you know what I decide, for now, I will log off, close my books and do some stress relieving activities before I flare up a seizure or one of my 'infamous bouts of depression'. 

Sending love and light, 

Sitawa