Forget Recaps & Resolutions - Let Us Talk About Don
December 21, 2023 |
| Goodbye 2023, Goodbye Don…Dear 2024, can I have more occasions like this? |
Good evening beautiful people (and happy Winter Solstice/Blue Christmas to those in North America),
It is that time of the year when we get BOMBARDED with lists, reels, and wraps of the things people did, watched, read, and listened to this year…and invitations to vision board parties that promise to help us put together ‘resolutions that stick’.
I would have loved to jump on this bandwagon but the only thing on my mind right now, other than all the messiness I am consuming from all these reality tv shows floating around, is 1) keeping SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) at bay, and 2) coming up with a theory for this new breed of seizures I have been getting.
For those new to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), here is a shallow explanation - as we move from Fall to Winter, the temperature drops and the days are shorter i.e less light, more darkness (today is actually the shortest day/longest night of the year). This season related changes do a number on some people and they get a form of depression - fatigue - lethargy which the people responsible for naming ailments christened Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD in short. Though I use the acronym SAD, I want to point out that sadness and depression (specifically what happens during the season change) are not the same thing. That is why I always capitalize the acronym and only use it after writing the full form.
The ‘keep SAD at bay’ toolbox, Don (my therapist) and I came up with is working, and I was excited as I shared how great I have been feeling during our hang-out this morning (my nonclinical way of saying I went for therapy today). I did not mention the seizures because 1) he is not a neurologist 2) today was our last session - he has been doing this therapy thing for quite some time and he needs to go on a Sabbatical of sorts for the next couple of months to take care of himself - and 3) I am going psychological research on it and have a half baked hypothesis.
| First snow of the Season - took this from my bathroom window the morning after the migraine torture sessions and nth round of nausea induced bathroom visit (December 2023) |
My geography and neuroscience are yet to come to a consensus, but based on how SAD works and the events from the past few weeks, this is my hypothesis:
Remember when we had the first snow of the season at the beginning of December? Well, low atmospheric pressure did that. Not only does this type of pressure cause it to snow but it also causes headaches. For folks like me, whose bodies are always overacting to any type of stimulus, we did not just get headaches. LAAAAWD!! we got head splitting migraines. I did a Neuroscience class this Fall, and was not a fan of the anatomy part but I swear that night I could name all the neuron types, the lobes, cortexes and everything in between thanks to all the activity that was happening in my head.
I was like a touring circus group moving from room to room in my apartment as I tried different tricks to ease the pain.
I would reluctantly peel myself off the bed, struggle to get to the kitchen to drink water and put my face inside the freezer (this didn’t help much but it made perfect sense to me at the time). Then the nausea would kick in…and I would stagger into the bathroom and wait and wait and wait and finally get myself back to bed because it was all a false alarm…then do it all over again and again until I finally had a seizure (the seizure)…and then everything calmed down - I think, I can only remember the pre-seizure events.
The whole experience was BAAAAD!!!
It was so bad; at some point I thought I was in one of those out of body spiritual awakening experiments. I literally started repenting, and when I was done repenting for things I had done, I started repenting for things I am sure I have not even done (maybe I had a true awakening and went into the future and was repenting in advance).
I cannot tell you when and how it all stopped, but I think the seizure told everyone to wrap it up and go home.
I was good the next day, and the day after that…and the one after that.
Then it happened again last week – every single thing other than the snow. So, now I am not sure if the air pressure migraine seizure theory is a correlation-causation chicken - egg type dilemma or if we have third variable problems. Unless another seizure occurs, I am trying to stick to holiday settings and not dig through scientific literature until the new year. Also want to say that this is part of the reasons I want to do a PhD program…I want to spend my days digging up, associating and figuring out things that matter to me and those like me.
I know Don would have helped me process any emotions associated with these seizures, but I wanted to discuss other things. Top on our agenda was next steps – I opted not to be transferred to a new therapist (yet)...and we agreed that if I need support, I will call the Counseling Center and ask them to connect me with one of the therapists he recommended.
I cannot tell you when and how it all stopped, but I think the seizure told everyone to wrap it up and go home.
I was good the next day, and the day after that…and the one after that.
Then it happened again last week – every single thing other than the snow. So, now I am not sure if the air pressure migraine seizure theory is a correlation-causation chicken - egg type dilemma or if we have third variable problems. Unless another seizure occurs, I am trying to stick to holiday settings and not dig through scientific literature until the new year. Also want to say that this is part of the reasons I want to do a PhD program…I want to spend my days digging up, associating and figuring out things that matter to me and those like me.
 |
| Don has a copy of David Hockney's Garrowby Hill in his office...and for the last seven months, I have gone up and done that road with him. Thinking of getting me a knock off to remind me of the work we have done. |
Starting over with someone new is somewhat scary. Don and I have had an amazing ride for the last seven months – which is the longest continuous relationship I have ever had with any therapist…and the most impactful...and with a level of messy that we both lived for. I remember at some point today I was like 'you won't guess who reached out this week' and he literally reached out for his mug the way one reaches for something when they know juicy tales are on the way – then he took a sip, said the person’s name and we dove right into the tea (I will only work with someone new if they are preloaded with the Don software).
I am definitely going to miss our sessions, not because of the tea and messiness, but because of how much Don loves his job, and how well he does it…something that is reflected in all the work we have done over the last 7 months.
I pray that I have this level of care for the people I get to serve.
I pray that I extend the same level of psychological safety for them to cry, shout, silently stare at the painting on the wall for a whole hour and come back next week to do it again.
I pray that they feel safe enough to go round in circles when one word would have worked fine, to build unrealistic castles that they slowly demolish to build habitable houses.
I pray that we start off with them using all my tissues as they cry their hearts and end up with them walking out on the last day with a tissue to wipe away the tears from all the laughing we will do - as we walk down memory lane and say our goodbyes.
…this is what the last seven months with Don have been.
...I will definitely cherish them, and if every client he has had, for however long he has been doing this, feels the same, he deserves a lifetime of sabbaticals.
...I wish him well as he takes his much-needed break.
...I pray that, he too, has a safe space out there that gives him room to do all the things he allows us to do in his space.
To the OG Don and all the Dons out there,
we see you,
we appreciate you,
we love you.
thank you for your service.
Sending love and light,
Sitawa
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