Sitawa Ignited: Therapy

Pennsylvania Art Therapy Career Night Promotional Poster

Good evening beautiful people,

Hope you had a lovely day.

I just got off a virtual career night hosted by the Pennsylvania Art Therapy Association (PAATA) that featured four art therapists based here in Pennsylvania (PA).

I do not think I have blogged about this before, but before I started working on getting into a PhD program (read my PhD Application update here), I had considered getting into an Expressive Arts Therapy program. I was already shopping around for schools, and getting my pottery/ceramics wheel throwing groove on. As life would have it, I decided to explore research work… but you all know art has a special place in my heart...and when it is combined with anything mental health, I am sold. If you are curious about Art Therapy, read this info page by PAATA.

The career night session had around 40 people and was opened by Mindy Jacobson-Levy, PAATA's President. Each of the presenters/art therapists, shared their credentials, the settings they work in, the material they use and some of the challenges they face. I will summarize it all below:

Credentials:

ATR-BC (Board Certified Art Therapist)

LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor),

MS ART (Masters in Art Therapy),

CAADC (Certified Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor)

Work Setting, Materials Used & Challenges Faced:
- In-patient psychiatric

Offers group therapy sessions and materials are limited for security (i.e those likely to self harm or are homicidal).

Mostly do collages and the art therapist comes in with precut pieces. Downside is having to work with Big group sizes and thought of as art teacher instead of therapist,

- Prisons

Restrictions on what to bring into prison but always brings in loads of color and bleeding tissue paper,

Start sessions with meditation and visualization to create safe space for both prisoner and therapist

Most work when shackled or in therapy chair, and have a history of trauma and don’t trust outsiders.

- Outpatient substance use disorder treatment facility

No restrictions but has to buy own supply,

Since SUD affects the whole family, therapist needs couples therapy skills

- Last period of life,

Employs eco art therapy that involves using nature,

People get kicked out of hospice - they are not dying first enough, which results in all their therapies being removed.

Additional challenges include burn-out and insurance payments for art therapy.

It was amazing to learn from people working in different settings (you all know I was intrigued by the one working with people with substance use disorders), and see how different forms of art, even if in restricted settings, can still be used in healing.

Maybe I had to follow the research path to get intrigued with SUD, then reconnect with my desire for Art Therapy...we will see where this academic journey takes me.

Until the next update,

Sending love and light,

Sitawa

Reading for my Adult Psychopathy (Abnormal Psychology) exam on my train ride to Washington DC...pic shows my representation of the manic depression spectrum - March 2024

Good afternoon beautiful people,

I am at that part of my mental health cycle when everything starts going South. I am not badly off but it is affecting my school work - I am having trouble concentrating - so it is cause for concern. I made plans to go back to therapy (Don is not back so will be working with someone new)…and will hopefully be back to the gym (the cold months make it hard for me to go regularly). My prayer is to get ahead of things before graduation day.

Since I have talked about how I feel just before I get back to therapy, I’d like to switch things up and share the things I experience just before I know it is time to get back to therapy - and the gym (working out has always been good for my mental health).

This post is partly inspired by where I am at psychologically, Boy Interrupted - a documentary we had to watch for my Childhood Disorders class (about a kid with Bipolar Disorder who ended up taking his life) and my Abnormal Psychology notes.

Throwback 'screengrab' about depression - January 2024

Below are 10 things I experience - and hate about the depressive side of my mental health diagnosis.

1. I hate that I self isolate

2. I hate that I cry a lot

3. I hate that I lose interest/give up on things I love doing

4. I hate that I sleep a lot

5. I hate that I am very irritable

6. I hate that I hate on everyone and everything - not see the good in anything

7. I hate that I cannot make up my mind about anything, and when I finally do, I second guess myself and end up reversing everything

8. I hate that I am easily overwhelmed

9. I hate that I leave piles of clothes everywhere

10. I hate that I have to go through all these yet again

This slowly going into depression part of my life is always hard. I think it’s hard because I am aware that I am going down - and it almost always feels like there is nothing I can do about it. It is like I am sliding down a slippery slope with nothing to hold on to…it feels like an inevitable fall…one I should not waste my strength trying to fight.

But even when there is nothing to hold on to, I still have faith that if I made it through the last time, I will make it through this time too.

I would be dishonest if I said that the faith part comes easily or automatically …to be honest, there are times I wonder if it is worth trying to hold on.

My thoughts might be different tomorrow, but just for today, I remind myself that it is worth holding on, that I am worth holding onto…that despite these negative aspects, my life is an amazing one…and I am amazing.

Thanks for coming to my pep talk.

Sending hugs to everyone who is struggling and trying very hard to hold on,

We’ve got this … and like the countless times before, this too shall pass.

And to the men, women, families, friends and strangers who hold space for us, knowingly or unknowingly, as we try to navigate the slippery slope that is depression, thank you - it means a lot.

Sending love and light,

Sitawa

Goodbye 2023, Goodbye Don…Dear 2024, can I have more occasions like this?

Good evening beautiful people (and happy Winter Solstice/Blue Christmas to those in North America),

It is that time of the year when we get BOMBARDED with lists, reels, and wraps of the things people did, watched, read, and listened to this year…and invitations to vision board parties that promise to help us put together ‘resolutions that stick’.

I would have loved to jump on this bandwagon but the only thing on my mind right now, other than all the messiness I am consuming from all these reality tv shows floating around, is 1) keeping SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) at bay, and 2) coming up with a theory for this new breed of seizures I have been getting.

For those new to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), here is a shallow explanation - as we move from Fall to Winter, the temperature drops and the days are shorter i.e less light, more darkness (today is actually the shortest day/longest night of the year). This season related changes do a number on some people and they get a form of depression - fatigue - lethargy which the people responsible for naming ailments christened Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD in short. Though I use the acronym SAD, I want to point out that sadness and depression (specifically what happens during the season change) are not the same thing. That is why I always capitalize the acronym and only use it after writing the full form.

The ‘keep SAD at bay’ toolbox, Don (my therapist) and I came up with is working, and I was excited as I shared how great I have been feeling during our hang-out this morning (my nonclinical way of saying I went for therapy today). I did not mention the seizures because 1) he is not a neurologist 2) today was our last session - he has been doing this therapy thing for quite some time and he needs to go on a Sabbatical of sorts for the next couple of months to take care of himself - and 3) I am going psychological research on it and have a half baked hypothesis.

First snow of the Season - took this from my bathroom window the morning after the migraine torture sessions and nth round of nausea induced bathroom visit (December 2023)

My geography and neuroscience are yet to come to a consensus, but based on how SAD works and the events from the past few weeks, this is my hypothesis:

Remember when we had the first snow of the season at the beginning of December? Well, low atmospheric pressure did that. Not only does this type of pressure cause it to snow but it also causes headaches. For folks like me, whose bodies over-react to any type of stimulus, we did not just get headaches. LAAAAWD!! we got head splitting migraines. I did a Neuroscience class this Fall, and was not a fan of the anatomy part but I swear that night I could name all the neuron types, the lobes, cortexes and everything in between thanks to all the activity that was happening in my head.

I was like a touring circus group moving from room to room in my apartment as I tried different tricks to ease the pain.

I would reluctantly peel myself off the bed, struggle to get to the kitchen to drink water and put my face inside the freezer (this didn’t help much but it made perfect sense to me at the time). Then the nausea would kick in…and I would stagger into the bathroom and wait and wait and wait and finally get myself back to bed because it was all a false alarm…then do it all over again and again until I finally had a seizure (the seizure)…and then everything calmed down - I think, I can only remember the pre-seizure events.

The whole experience was BAAAAD!!!

It was so bad; at some point I thought I was in one of those out of body spiritual awakening experiments. I literally started repenting, and when I was done repenting for things I had done, I started repenting for things I am sure I have not even done (maybe I had a true awakening and went into the future and was repenting in advance).

I cannot tell you when and how it all stopped, but I think the seizure told everyone to wrap it up and go home.

I was good the next day, and the day after that…and the one after that.

Then it happened again last week – every single thing other than the snow. So, now I am not sure if the air pressure migraine seizure theory is a correlation-causation chicken - egg type dilemma or if we have third variable problems. Unless another seizure occurs, I am trying to stick to holiday settings and not dig through scientific literature until the new year. Also want to say that this is part of the reasons I want to do a PhD program…I want to spend my days digging up, associating and figuring out things that matter to me and those like me.

Don has a copy of David Hockney's Garrowby Hill in his office...and for the last seven months, I have gone up and done that road with him. Thinking of getting me a knock off to remind me of the work we have done.

I know Don would have helped me process any emotions associated with these seizures, but I wanted to discuss other things. Top on our agenda was next steps – I opted not to be transferred to a new therapist (yet)...and we agreed that if I need support, I will call the Counseling Center and ask them to connect me with one of the therapists he recommended.

Starting over with someone new is somewhat scary. Don and I have had an amazing ride for the last seven months – which is the longest continuous relationship I have ever had with any therapist…and the most impactful...and with a level of messy that we both lived for. I remember at some point today I was like 'you won't guess who reached out this week' and he literally reached out for his mug the way one reaches for something when they know juicy tales are on the way – then he took a sip, said the person’s name and we dove right into the tea (I will only work with someone new if they are preloaded with the Don software).

I am definitely going to miss our sessions, not because of the tea and messiness, but because of how much Don loves his job, and how well he does it…something that is reflected in all the work we have done over the last 7 months.

I pray that I have this level of care for the people I get to serve.

I pray that I extend the same level of psychological safety for them to cry, shout, silently stare at the painting on the wall for a whole hour and come back next week to do it again.

I pray that they feel safe enough to go round in circles when one word would have worked fine, to build unrealistic castles that they slowly demolish to build habitable houses.

I pray that we start off with them using all my tissues as they cry their hearts and end up with them walking out on the last day with a tissue to wipe away the tears from all the laughing we will do - as we walk down memory lane and say our goodbyes.

…this is what the last seven months with Don have been.

...I will definitely cherish them, and if every client he has had, for however long he has been doing this, feels the same, he deserves a lifetime of sabbaticals.

...I wish him well as he takes his much-needed break.

...I pray that, he too, has a safe space out there that gives him room to do all the things he allows us to do in his space.

To the OG Don and all the Dons out there,

we see you,

we appreciate you,

we love you.

thank you for your service.

Sending love and light,
Sitawa

Freud's Psychoanalytic Couch - Preserved at the Freud Museum, London

Please note: If you or someone you know is struggling, get help by calling any of these free crisis/help lines

Butterflies.

Butterflies-in-my-Belly, if I am allowed to stretch the word.

That is what I am feeling now; like I have loads of butterflies in my belly.

Last week, I finally booked an appointment with the school Counselling Centre and I will have my first session tomorrow.

And all I feel is butterflies...butterflies-in-my-belly.

This feeling isn’t new.

This is how I feel every time I am a day away from getting back to therapy.

In the past I think the feeling was partly due to the anxiety of meeting a new therapist (have changed them a couple of times as I searched for a ‘good fit’) and partly due to the weight on shoulders. This time round, I requested for the same therapist I worked with in the Fall - so I think the butterflies are from the weight on my shoulders.

I have been measuring this weight aka doing some stock taking to see how things have changed since our last session . Back then, I was in a sticky situation and trying to juggle a lot. After a couple of sessions, I opted to remove some things from my plate and though it took time, things got better.

And it was all good until it wasn’t and I didn’t know it wasn’t until I ended up in hospital…and so here I am, a day before my therapy session, trying to calm these butterflies as I anticipate the process ahead.

Scenes from my Spring 2023 Semester - Reading material for my Counselling Strategies class

Beside stocktaking, I have also being going through my class notes (any other psychology students out there trying to psychoanalyze themselves). This past Spring semester I took Personality Theories and Counselling Strategies.

The Personality Theory class took us through various theorists from Freud/the Neo-Freudians and to the Humanistics and the Behaviorists (anyone know if there are African theorists?). We learnt everything from therapy a la Freud aka laying on a couch to things like Horney’s ideal vs real self image and Roger’s incongruency - and the role therapy plays in bridging the gap.

Roger was also a prominent figure in my Counselling Strategies class when we learnt about the four things that make therapeutic relationships work. In that class we also learnt that the progress of therapy sessions relies heavily on the person coming in (the client) and the stage of change they are in - Precontemplation, Contemplation, Planning, Action, Maintenance, (Relapse or) Termination.

Dr. AB, the Counselling Strategies Professor, did an amazing job outlining the healing process (which he likened to a lightening bolt. We go a couple of steps forward and a couple backwards and it is only in hindsight that progress is seen) and constantly reminded us that the client is an expert of their issues and the therapist an expert of the process.

I feel like I was in the action stage last Fall and based on the academically successful semester I had in the Spring (made it back to the Dean’s list), I can say that I might have gotten into the maintenance stage then somewhere along the way, gotten off the rails.

In therapy speak, this is relapsing.

Contrary to popular belief, relapsing is not just for people battling addictions, it is for everyone.

Despite this knowledge, I struggle with the word.

It has some sort of violence to it...and maybe that violence, as imaginary as it is, is what is making me anxious tonight. Is what makes me anxious every other night before I get back to therapy.

The beauty of it now, is that I know that the lightening bolt that is my healing journey cannot be what it is without the back steps.

I also know that my work is not to think about the process and the easiest way to get to the finish line but instead be open and ready to do the work that will help me move from one stage to another.

And if for whatever reason I move backwards, relapse, I also now know that that too is part of healing.

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